Here's the situation.
My husband and I have both been married before. We both have a child from said previous marriages. We also have one together. All girls. Ages 12, 11 and 6.
My SD (12) started living with us this past December. Until that point we had her on weekends, holidays, summers, etc.
The change came about because her mom was having a lot of trouble with her and just can't really deal with it I guess. She was failing school, again (she's failed once already). Her attitude...well, it sucks.
Now, here are the issues.
She refuses to do school work. Not only at home, but at school too. She changed schools with the move to our home and I know all of her teachers at the school she is now attending. They've tried everything...more one on one time, giving her chances to retake tests, more time to complete homework, etc. She's still failing. Her mom had her tested for any learning disabilities and nothing threw any red flags. The doctor and teacher basically said there's nothing wrong with her, she's just lazy and unmotivated. If it's something she's interested in, she's all over it...but if she doesn't want to do it, she just won't. She just doesn't want to do it...she's even said that. She said she hates school and just doesn't want to do it. At school she refuses to participate in group activities/assignments. When the teacher tries to coax her into participating she just gets mad and acts out. A few weeks ago she actually wadded up her paper and stabbed it with her pencil, then went and put her head down on her desk and refused to do anything.
She's been caught sleeping in class more than once. She gets plenty of sleep at night... Her reason for sleeping in class was that she was bored...while the teacher was giving notes on an upcoming test, which she failed since she slept through the study guide.
At home, during homework time she just sits and stares at the table. I'll ask her if she needs help with something and she'll say no, so I'll ask her to do a problem while I watch. She'll do it, usually correctly, but as soon as I walk away she quits. I can't stand over her for hours every evening...I have two other children that need my attention as well. And since SD refuses to use her class time to complete assignments, she always has a ton of homework. IF she completes it at all, it takes until bedtime, taking about 30 minutes off for dinner. Sometimes it just doesn't get done because I refuse to allow her to stay up until midnight to finish it... She's already sleeping in class while getting 10 hours a night at home. If I let her stay up that late it will only be worse.
My 11 year old is in the same grade as her and she's told me that my SD is mean to other kids at school. There have been a few kids try to befriend her and she's just rude to them. The teachers have mentioned this a few times as well. She's not interested in anything... No sports, no dance, no girl scouts, no band, no choir...nothing. My daughter is a social butterfly and is involved in everything and she's been more than willing to include my SD in anything. SD just refuses. The only thing she got a little excited about was a Science Club trip coming up this summer...but her grades were too poor to be accepted into the program, so she can't go.
We don't do television in our home (as in, we don't even own one...yes, I'm completely serious...lol). We read, play games, spend a lot of time outside (weather permitting), etc. She constantly complains about the lack of television and junk food in the house. No, I don't do junk food either...lol. I'm such a mean momma! My kids are used to it and it's normal for them...but it's not for her...it's like she thinks I'm purposely being mean to her.
I know it was a drastic change in circumstances moving in with us, but she was like this before, which is why her mom sent her here in the first place. Therefore I really don't think her behavior is due to the change...
Now, this is where it gets a little disturbing. Let me start by saying that it's not like I don't have any experience with preteen girls...my daughter is only a year younger...not even a full year actually. And she's quite mature for her age. She'll occasionally say "that boy is cute" or something to that nature, but she doesn't seem to be truly interested them aside from being friends. I assume this is about on par for the age, but I could be wrong...
Anyway, right before Christmas my SD was caught sending very, um, explicit text messages to a boy from her old school. He's 12, same age as her. And I'm not even going to repeat them...it's that bad, they made me blush! And I wouldn't exactly call myself a prude! My lack of television is simply because I don't like it, not because of any religious beliefs or anything like that...lol. Anyway, yeah, not a prude...and these text seriously made me blush. I didn't even know kids that age KNEW about things like that...there are things I didn't learn until I was married! So, her mom originally found the messages...so she sent the boy a text from SD's phone telling him not to send anymore (yeah, the text were going both ways) and she took SD's phone away. The boy proceeded to send more, so her mother contacted her local police dept. and reported it. They had to contact to boys parents and it was a big mess. Basically the cop told both the kids they didn't need to contact each other again. So fast forward a few days. She was at our house (just moved in) and my daughter gets a call on her phone at 11pm from the Sheriff's Office... Yep, SD had taken my daughters phone without her knowledge or permission and called this boy! Of course he was grounded from his phone as well, so his mom answered...and called the cops. The officer had expressly forbidden them to contact each other, and she took my daughters phone and did it anyway. Since then we've all password locked out phones...I just think it's crazy that we had to! But my husband did not enjoy having to explain to the police that she had taken a phone that wasn't hers and that we would make sure it didn't happen again... And my daughters was real freakin' thrilled...he's a cop.
I'll get to the question now... Does this seem like normal behavior for a 12 year old? I wouldn't think there could be that much difference from 11 to 12, but... I don't know. I do know that I feel it is highly inappropriate... But it's strange. She seems so immature in some ways, but too mature in others. She acts very inappropriate around men in general. She's very flirty and touchy feely. My daughter is affectionate toward men she knows and loves. She'll hug them, kiss them on the cheek at bedtime, but that's it. I actually caught my SD rubbing her hand up the inside of my 14 year old cousin's leg! He about broke his neck trying to get away from her. (None of them knew I witnessed this.) But it made him so uncomfortable that he told his mom. I think that's just bizarre for a kid her age to be acting that way... Am I wrong?
I really feel like she needs some kind of counseling. She's seeing the school counselor at my request, but that's really all I can do at this point.
Oh yeah, here's the icing on the cake. We don't have custody of her. Her mom has a sweet deal going there... She has custody, she calls the shots, and we still pay child support. My husband is and over the road truck driver so he's gone most of the time. We consulted with a lawyer a couple of weeks ago and he said we'd have to establish a longer timeline to have a shot at custody, since we'd basically be asking the judge to give me custody since hubby is gone so much. Apparently that's really hard to do... I don't want to take her away form her mother, but I would like to not pay a small fortune in child support for a child that is living with us and that we are providing for already. I'd like to have joint custody like my ex and I do. No one is primary, no one pays child support, we get along well and it's all good and easy on our daughter. But that's just wishful thinking with my hubby and his ex...
So, I can't put her in any real counseling because mom won't go for it.
Also, one thing I'm having trouble grasping, maybe someone can put a new perspective on it for me. I get along with her mother just fine, I don't have anything against her. I just think she has her plate too full at the moment and is having trouble dealing with everything... But one thing she does just irritates the crap out of me.
She picks my SD up every other weekend to take her to her house which is about an hour away from here...but her mom isn't there on weekends. She works all weekend, literally, in-home health care from Friday night to Sunday night. So she takes her daughter to her house on Friday after school, leaves and works until Sunday evening, then goes and gets her and brings her back to our house?? So she's basically spending the weekend with her step-dad who doesn't seem to have any interest in her at all. Even her mother has said that they don't get along... So why would she take her to spend weekends with him? Does that make sense to anyone else?
Wow, this is soooo long. And I'm sure I've left stuff out, but I'll stop here for now. I don't know what I want really. Insight, advice...a Xanax or ten?? Kidding about that last part...
I want to do something for her. I feel like she needs me to do something for her. But she doesn't communicate with me, or anyone really. It's just hard...I should have been a psychic instead of a dog trainer maybe...
Anyway...help, advice, new perspective...anything will be appreciated. Honestly. I'll try to answer any further question as completely as I can. There's some things I just don't know though...
Thanks for listening, er, reading!
Source: http://www.parentingforums.org/showthread.php?t=14280
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